The Domestics
by TheSparkler
Summary: After the secret ending of CW where everyone decides to make up and be happy, the Avengers live in peace together at the now-Avengers Tower. Comprised of one-shots and short stories, this series of domestic adventures is full to bursting with your favorite fluff (and more) about the day-to-day life of our favorite heroes. Ch.3-4: Tony Stark and his misadventures with Hamlet.
1. Thanksgiving

"I cannot believe it!"

"For the last time, Rogers, that just how it is. Don't get your flag in a twist."

Steve, still fuming slightly, followed diligently behind the man in the red jacket, pushing the cart as Tony went through the list again. Color-coded and divided into columns, Tony wasn't taking any chances of forgetting something that was on the paper, which had been adjusted slightly from the usual set of groceries for the Tower. Stark managed to expertly dodge the Thanksgiving crowd around him, but Steve, still not used to huge amounts of people all in one place, had run over at least three people's toes so far, apologizing profusely every time.

"Alright, we got the milk…"

"I still think it's ridiculous…"

At this, Stark stopped walking completely, sighing in exasperation as Steve accidentally hit him with the cart for the second time. "So things are a _little_ more expensive than your time – what's your point?"

"My point is that _four dollars and thirty-two cents for a gallon of milk_ is ridiculous! Do you know how many shirts I could've bought with that?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, when books cost a nickel and you walked both ways uphill." Tony shook his head and scanned the industrial fridge in front of him. "What kind of yogurt did Wanda want? Greek? Almond?"

"Frozen," Steve said, still shaking his head at the hundreds of kinds of dairy products that could be found within 30 steps of where he was standing. Tony nodded and made a sharp left, ducking into the ice cream aisle and grabbing two different kinds of frozen yogurt. Turning around, he hesitated, then propped the door open with his hip and pulled a gallon of chocolate chip ice cream, too. Steve shook his head and shoved the half-full cart forward, knowing that he was fighting a losing battle with Stark's sweet tooth. They had already been to the cereal aisle, where Tony had grabbed multiple boxes of 16-pack Pop-Tarts, only one of which was per Natasha's request. This, Steve knew, was both for Stark's incredible sugar habit and to be prepared, just in case a certain boy in a red and black suit came swinging in at the last second.

They continued onward toward the frozen foods, with Tony taking charge and Steve trailing along behind, stopping every few steps to stare at the onslaught of colors and advertisements around him.

"Baby clothes? This is a food store!"

Stark sighed for about the thousandth time that day, still refusing to look up from his (incredibly detailed) shopping list. "It's called Walmart, Rogers, it has pretty much everything you could ever need. We went over all of this this morning, remember?" Clint and Natasha, both much better at dealing with stores than poor Steve, were taking on Costco later that afternoon for things like laundry soap and flavored water (who knew that Asgardian gods love carbonated beverages so much?). Sam and Rhody were in charge of electronics, and were currently scouring a nearby Best Buy for AAA batteries and extension cords. Pepper, well aware of Stark's intense need to color-code things, had dragged Happy along to the Office Depot on the other side of town for notepads, highlighters, and colored note cards. Tony and Steve were in charge of side dishes for the following day, and Clint's team was responsible for the turkey and ham, in addition to the usual supplies. With Thanksgiving only a day away, the store was incredibly busy, making Stark start to regret bringing his spangly coworker along.

"We're halfway there, just stick with me a little while longer, okay?"

There was only silence behind him. "Okay?"

Stark turned around to find only empty space – and no Captain America.

"Steve?"

"Stark, come look at this!"

"Ugg, what now!?"

"The case of frozen green beans that you want are _thirty-one dollars and sixty-five cents!_ "

Stark sighed. It was going to be a _long_ morning.

* * *

"Are you sure this is where the ham is supposed to be?"

Natasha just glared and raised her eyebrows toward the empty cooler behind her, her arms crossed at the empty shelves. "It's not like I've done this before or anything." Natasha, the best at fitting in, was often the one sent to the store for emergency supplies. "It's the day before Thanksgiving, did he really expect us to find all of this stuff?" She rolled her eyes and continued down the aisle, talking to herself and waving her arms as she rambled.

" _I_ said we should have gone shopping _last_ week, but _no_ , it just _had_ to wait because we simply _had_ to go to _Peru_ for an _autograph signing_. Stark's Expo or not, next time I am staying home!"

Clint followed behind with the industrial-sized cone-colored cart and Starks usual sub-divided list, using his teeth to uncap his pen and make a note of the missing ham.

"Take a right," he mumbled around the cap, and Natasha whipped around the corner, still fluttering her hands and droning on in exasperation. Barton carefully navigated the orange platform on wheels around the edge of the industrial shelves, and found his partner in the black sweatshirt waiting for him on the other side, a case of water in each hand. He nodded at the empty space he had made for the drinks, then paused to cross them off of the list.

They continued on for most of the afternoon, weaving in and out of the holiday crowd. Natasha, unencumbered and incredibly agile, moved through the throngs of people with ease. Clint, on the other hand, had both the cart and an incredible awkwardness around large groups of people (much to Natasha's dismay, he had slipped out of going to the Expo on some made-up excuse), so he struggled to keep up, often finding his partner waiting for him with the item in hand. Near the end of the afternoon, they stopped at the food counter for smoothies, and left the over-full cart by the registers for safe keeping before hunting down the rest of the list.

"Dish soap, paper towels, coffee for Stark, socks for Cap…now all we need is just the…"

"Ham," Natasha finished, standing still in the middle of the floor, shelves towering all around her. They had found the turkey, and had even managed to grab two, but the cured pork was still eluding them. She put her hands on her hips and scanned the area around her, as though hoping the dish in question would jump out at them if she looked long enough. Most of the crowd had died down, and those who where left moved around them, careful to avoid walking to close to the focused assassin. Clint, sipping his mango smoothie and holding the remains of her strawberry-flavored concoction, leaned on the second cart of the day to wait her out.

Suddenly, Natasha darted off, only to return less than a minute later, having found the ham cooler to still be empty. She resumed her stance, rock-still and staring around in thought.

"You know…" She turned to Clint, a smirk forming at the edge of her lips. "Stark never said what _kind_ of ham he wanted…"

Barton raised his eyebrows, knowing that whatever she was thinking – it was going to be good.

* * *

Steve hadn't quit laughing for at least two minutes, and showed no signs of stopping. As soon as Clint and Natasha started unpacking their grocery bags, he had spotting the elusive substance and had started chuckling just _imagining_ Tony reaction, which soon turned into full-blown cackling. Fortunately for him, the engineer in question chose that moment to enter the Tower's massive main kitchen, wading through the sea of boxes and reusable bags to find out what all the commotion was about.

"You wanted ham," Natasha said, her eyes lit up in amusement as she reached for the box. "So, we got you ham."

Stark, confused, took one look at the contents of the cardboard, then turned around and walked out without a word, the look on his face that of a man tired of working with children.

Steve, tears forming in his eyes, clutched the back of a barstool to keep himself upright. The box squealed, and Steve lost his fight with gravity, sinking to the floor and clutching his side.

"Why, exactly?" Wanda asked, gesturing toward the moving box. Having arrived just as Stark left, she took in the crying Captain and smug assassin with the air of someone who was not at all surprised. She looked at Clint, knowing that he was the most likely to have the answers.

"Don't look at me," Clint shrugged, refusing to take the credit. "This was all her."

Natasha, finally giving in to her smile, set the box on the floor next to the cackling leather-jacketed superhero. It squealed again and tipped onto its side, the contents spilling out onto the floor.

"You know," Natasha said, watching the teacup pig jump on Steve. "I think I'll name her Hamlet."

"Well, Hamlet," said Clint, shaking his head as he continued to put away the groceries. "Welcome to the team!"


	2. Christmas

"Is everyone ready?"

Stark shuffled the names in the hat, tossing the slips of paper several times before holding it out to Banner on his right. Bruce reached in a pulled out a name, glancing at it before hiding it in his hand again. Tony passed the hat around to Cap, who drew a paper and passed it on to Natasha and Clint. The black top hat continued its way around the circle until it came back to Tony, who drew the final slip of paper and smirked at the name before flipping the black top hat back onto his head.

Wanda, still looking at the name on her paper with her eyebrows raised, put her hand in the air. "Does anyone want to trade?"

"There will be no trading," Stark deadpanned as he stood up. "Fair is fair, and you have six hours to get your Secret Santa gift under the tree before we open them tonight. Now get to it!" With that, the group broke apart as they all left to brainstorm ideas for their chosen person.

Natasha, striking out on her own, strapped Hamlet into her specially-made carrier backpack and walked the five blocks to the nearest office supply store, stepping carefully to avoid the patches of ice still scattered around. She barely broke her stride when the automatic doors opened, and only paused for a moment when the cashier stared at her backpack (or more specifically, the pink-and-black animal poking out of it).

"Therapy animal," she stated, and kept walking – she had some serious color-coded sticky-note searching to do.

* * *

Banner was stuck – and not just any kind of stuck, but truly and completely and totally trapped.

Literally.

Grumbling about the narrow aisles and tight turns of hardware stores, he finally managed to wiggle out of the corner that he had gotten wedged in in his search for nails and screws. He stood in front of the huge wall of silver metal, then shrugged and pulled pretty much one of everything, dropping them into his basket until it got too heavy to add any more. Sighing, he turned back toward the maze of aisles, beginning his long and careful trek to the check-out.

* * *

Steve, unsure of where to start, went down to the warehouse for inspiration. He, Stark, and Pepper were the only ones who could open the door (and he could only get in because Pepper had programmed him into the security system without telling Tony). He stood in the doorway and scanned the room, taking in the Tower's massive (and supposedly organized) array of tools, scrap metals, and dirty coffee mugs in desperate need of a good cleaning. Suddenly, Steve knew exactly what to get his person, and he quickly locked the door and headed back up the stairs – he had no time to waste.

* * *

Wanda had no idea what to do.

Absolutely none.

So, she did the only thing she could think of – she went to the wisest woman she knew for advice.

Pepper Potts, who had orchestrated the game, had chosen to keep her name out of it so that she could help someone find something for someone else if need be. "Besides," she had said as she left to go find a hat to draw out of, "it's more fun to watch from the sideline anyway, because then I know things that you don't." So, when Wanda Maximoff came to her for advice, she exactly what to do.

Wanda found her in the large central office with papers scattered around on every surface in the room. Pepper, highlighter in hand and a focused expression on her face, looked up at the sound of the door opening, and reached down to cap her marker before she could forget (she had dried out too many ink-based products to take the chance on another one).

"What can I help you with there, Wan?"

Wanda, eyebrows raised, held up the small slip of paper with the name of a mechanic written on it in his familiar messy scrawl.

" _Tony Stark_."

Pepper immediately cleared a spot on the table in front of them and pulled up a chair. "Now let's see…"

Maximoff, who was the newest to Tower living, had only come at Steve's urging, who promised that there was plenty of room (there was – she got an entire wing to herself), they would all love to have her (Natasha especially, who insisted on a movie night at least one a week), and that she would never have to clean a bathroom (Stark had robots for that). The one thing that neither of them said (but both of them knew was true) was that she had nowhere else to go. So, she stayed.

It was moments like now that she was starting to regret it.

"What am I supposed to get a man who hates me?"

"He does not hate you Wanda, trust me. He once said that I'm like 90% of his impulse control, which we both know is wrong."

Wanda looked at her, trying to tell whether or not she was joking. Pepper leaned over the table as though she was about to share an incredible secret.

"I am 100% of his impulse control, darling, and don't ever let him tell you otherwise."

Wanda snorted, then looked startled and covered her mouth with her hand. Her next words came out muffled through her fingers: "Please don't tell him I did that."

Pepper grinned and reached for a pen and paper, clicking the cap onto the back of the pen and starting to write.

"Honey, I am his wife – I don't have to tell him anything."

A short while later, Pepper had written a small list of potential gifts and Wanda had decided that Pepper might just be her new favorite person (regardless of what Barton claimed).

* * *

Natasha, getting home from the store late that afternoon (she had run back for a pen set for Pepper, who had opted out of the game but deserved a gift nonetheless), ran into Steve in the stairwell. He was going to the basement, for what she neither knew nor cared. What she cared about, however, was the enormous box wrapped in his arms.

"Watcha got there, Tiger?"

"Stuff," he mumbled, then trotted past her on his way to the workshop in the basement (he had shelves to set up). She shook her head and continued up the stairs, knowing that he would tell her eventually. She ran into Wanda in the upper-level kitchen (which was smaller than the massive main level one, but still pretty big) as the woman in red and black finished tucking tissue paper in a red and green gift bag. Spotting Natasha, Wanda smiled and pushed the present toward the center of the table, where it wasn't in danger of falling off.

"You've wrapped it and everything? Now I feel underachieved," Nat joked, sticking her head in the fridge in search of orange juice. "How'd you get that done so fast?"

"Pepper helped?" A squeak at the end of her answer turned it into more of a question, and Wanda grimaced.

"Ooo, good one! Maybe I should have gone to her." Romanoff, locating the juice, grabbed a cup from the nearby cabinet. "Who'd you have?"

"Stark." Wanda rolled her eyes and missed the way that Natasha suddenly froze. "It's ridiculous, like, how am I supposed to get something for someone who doesn't like me, and then-"

"Hold up." Natasha waved her hand to cut her off. "You had Tony?"

"Yes?" Now Wanda was really confused.

" _I_ had Tony." Natasha paused. "Wait here."

10 minutes later, the population of the Tower (minus a certain metal man) was gathered in the kitchen, all of whom looked very confused and slightly concerned. Natasha stood in front of the group, hands on her hips and looking much taller than normal.

"Who had Tony Stark for their Secret Santa?"

Slowly but surely, every hand in the room (minus Pepper, who looked incredibly amused) raised into the air. They all looked around at each other, seeming startled at this development.

"Excuse me," said Rhodey, standing up to face them. _(A/N For the sake of the story, Rhodes healed completely after his fall from the sky, as per creative license – thanks!)_ "No one is allowed to have my best friend but me. I have been planning this for _months_ , people!"

Sam stood up beside him. "Um, I never wanted him anyway – can I trade with Pepper?" This got the room to laugh, and Sam sat back down, looking highly satisfied with himself.

"Alright," said Wanda, taking her place beside Natasha and nodding at the woman in black. "Here is was we'll do."

* * *

Several hours later, the group was full to bursting with most every Christmas food imaginable, and gathered in the main floor living room around the tree. Stark sat on the couch looking very smug, and missed the look mirrored on the face of Pepper behind him, who couldn't wait for what was about to happen. The plethora of bags and boxes each had a name on them, and Clint, sitting closest to the tree, started to pass them out to the team around him. To Tony's surprise, there was a present for everyone (including at least five for Pepper, much to her dismay), and only one for him.

Wanda, unwrapping a new pair of boots (hers were falling apart at the seams), let out a squeal that was very unlike her, and pulled them on over her fuzzy Christmas socks at once (they fit perfectly).

Steve, smiling at her from across the room, unwrapped his own bag to find the biggest box of granola bars that he had ever seen. Banner, gaging his reaction out of the corner of his eye, laughed out loud as Rogers immediately tore open the box and pulled out a chocolate-chip bar.

Minutes later, paper, bags, and empty boxes covered the floor, and Tony, holding a new set of wrenches, was looking bewildered. As the others marveled over their gifts, Stark pulled Pepper into the adjoining dining room.

"Can I tell you something?"

Pepper smirked. "You rigged the game and gave everyone you, including yourself?"

Stark opened his mouth, then gave up and agreed. "How did you figure it out?"

"Did you honestly think they wouldn't talk to each other?" She turned his head to look through the open door into the next room. "They did a re-draw without you."

Stark tried and failed to hide his smile as Sam, brand-new silly string in hand, opened fire on the room.

"Besides," whispered Pepper, leaning up against her mechanic, "this might just be the best present of all."

A minute later when she kissed him, Tony Stark wholeheartedly agreed.


	3. Starkly Adrift (Part 1)

**Thanks to the idea/** **prompt** **from user 'SLYNNR', I bring you the third chapter of this series!**

* * *

Tony Stark was _not_ a pushover. He hated following orders, and had an apparent dislike for many kinds of order and organization (minus tool shelves and computer software, of course). He rarely took other people's advice, he made his own rules, and he had done someone else a favor probably once in his life – until now.

"All I wanted was ham, but _no_ , that was too _hard_ , so _what_ was the next best choice? A _pig_ , of course!"

Tony Stark was long-since used to getting strange looks when he went places out of the suit (he was a genius billionaire playboy philanthropist, after all), but never in his life had he gotten so many strange looks from just walking down the sidewalk, minding his own business. Though, he supposed, it wasn't _him_ that they where staring at, it was _her_. New York was a strange place, with many strange pets and even stranger people, but Stark knew that walking a teacup piglet with a harness and leash wasn't exactly commonplace, even here.

Little Hamlet, immune to the strange looks, weaved this way and that around the crowded sidewalk, sniffing and snorting to her heart's content. Since she came to them three months before, Natasha and Wanda had fallen in love, making Hamlet her own room on the main floor and insisting she be taken on walks every day. Today, however, Romanoff was gone to Barton's farm to catch up with his wife and baby, and Wanda had fallen ill for the first time since Tony had met her. Her dislike of wearing heavy coats in the winter had finally caught up to her, and she had shut herself in her room the night before to try to keep the cold from spreading to anyone else. Receiving the news, Natasha sent a message to the Tower, asking Tony or Steve to make sure the piglet was taken care of until she got back the following day. Rogers, who had the strongest immune system and hadn't gotten sick in years, was helping Wanda, which left Tony to take care of the small pink-and-black creature.

"Don't mind me, just walking my pork to the park, thanks," he muttered, sliding his sunglasses down over his face and weaving his way in and out of the crowds of people. Several weeks earlier, Natasha had discovered a dog park several blocks from the Tower, and little Hamlet had fallen in love. Fortunately for Stark, the fenced-in patch of grass was empty when he arrived, and let himself in, closing the gate securely behind them. As soon as her leash was unclipped, Hamlet shot off across the park, squealing and jumping to her heart's content. Tony couldn't help but to chuckle for a moment, taking a seat on the park bench to keep an eye on her. As the piglet slowed down and began sniffing along the fence line to do her business, he pulled out his phone to check on his updates. The new software, installed just that morning, was designed to fix the lag in browser speed, which was about two seconds too slow for his liking. After several minutes of scrolling through various articles, he found the software to be a great improvement, and tucked away the smart phone for the time being. He heard a soft snorting coming from by his feet, and looked down to find Hamlet standing by his shoes, a slightly gross-looking tennis ball in her mouth. She dropped it by his feet and ran several feet away, then looked back at him and the ball.

"Did you just find this in the grass?" The piglet ran back to him, pushed at the ball with her snout, then ran away again, turning back to face him.

"No way…" Tony carefully reached down and picked up the now-slobbery ball with two fingers, careful not to let it touch his jacket sleeve. Letting out a huge sigh, he flung the greenish object about 10 feet away from him and watched in amazement as the small creature shot off after it, leaping and bounding through the tall grass. Moments later, she was back at his feet with the ball, snorting happily at the game. Shaking his head and giving her a half-smile, Tony took the ball again and threw it farther this time, making almost all the way across the small park. Once again, Hamlet succeeded in finding the ball, returning it to him to throw again. Stark, realizing that he was now stuck in the game, accepted the ball and stood up, throwing it in the opposite direction and letting out a laugh as she chased after it once again.

Several minutes later, a young boy with a Pomeranian stood outside the gate, watching the unusual game of fetch and looking unsure of whether or not to come in. Hamlet, taking notice, stopped by the fence to investigate the newcomer before bouncing off in search of the ball. Taking this as an okay, the boy came into the park and released his small dog, who ran off after the pig. Hamlet returned to Tony with the ball, now with what appeared to be her new friend in tow. Stark threw the ball and watched both animals tear off after it, Hamlet winning by a hair. The Pomeranian's owner, laughing, took over the job of throwing so that Tony could take a video of the pair to send to Natasha and Wanda as proof of the piglet's time in the outdoors. After about two dozen more throws, the pig and the dog found that chasing each other was even more fun than chasing the ball. As the ran around the park barking and snorting, the dark-haired boy took a timid seat on the bench beside Stark, and quietly said hello. Tony, trying to be friendly, said hi back and waited for a response.

"I really like your pig. What's his name?"

"Her," Tony corrected, "and its Hamlet. What's yours?"

The boy let out a quiet laugh, avoiding eye contact with the scientist beside him. "I'm Alex, and that's Daisy. I like the name Hamlet, it really suits her. How long have you had her?"

"Since Thanksgiving. Next year, I'll learn to be more specific with the list when I send someone else out shopping." Tony's attempt at a joke helped the other boy open up, and soon the conversation turned to the newest iPhone that had come out, which they were both quite jealous of (having recently got a new phone, Pepper refused to let Tony get another one). Deciding that he liked this dog owner, Tony, holding the boy's phone to look at the "life-proof" case, quietly adjusted the browser settings and downloaded his own software upgrade into the device. They traded back phones (Tony agreed that while he had the superior technology, Alex had the more durable case) and spent awhile watching the game of tag that took place in the grass before them, laughing as Daisy frequently tripped over her own feet in pursuit of her new friend. This continued for the better part of an hour, with both animals constantly finding new games to play.

Tony, looking at the time, knew that he had better get going if he wanted to get back to the Tower in time to help make dinner, and he wanted to stop by the nearby tech store to look into getting a new phone case (brilliant he was, careful he was not). Standing up, he stretched and whistled, mildly surprised when the small piglet came bounding back towards him.

"We should do this again sometime," he said as he clipped Hamlet's leash back to her harness. Alex, calling Daisy back to him, agreed. They traded numbers (with Alex promising to never give Tony's to anyone else, and Stark knew that he wouldn't), before heading out of the park. They parted ways on the sidewalk, and the man with the pig made his way slowly to the tech shop down the road.

Upon arrival, Tony realized that he either had to leave the piglet outside or try to take her into the store, which he couldn't image would go over well with the owner. Spotting a bike rack in front of the store's front window, he tied her leash securely to the metal rail before heading inside. Hamlet, left alone outside, sniffed over the two feet of sidewalk she was on before hitting the end of the leash, which held fast to the rack. Moving back toward the window, she sat down on the sidewalk out of the way of pedestrians to get a little rest. Content, she looked around at the busy world around her – and spotted half of a soft pretzel lying on the ground several feet away. She pulled in the direction of the food, but the leash stopped her about six inches away. Determined to get to the treat, she wiggled and tugged, working at the harness straps with her mouth and finding the clip that ran across her chest.

Tony Stark, unable to find what he was looking for, came out of the store several minutes later. He reached down to untie the knot on the leash when he made a startling discovery – the leash was still securely tied to the rail, but the harness clipped to the end was empty.

Hamlet was gone.

* * *

 **Dun dun dun! To be** **continued** **...**


	4. Starkly Adrift (Part 2)

Hamlet, having eaten the part of a pretzel in record time, trotted off down the sidewalk in search of something to drink (the salty pretzel had made her quite thirsty). She soon found a puddle left from a light rain shower the previous day (it had been an unusually warm the past several days, but temperatures were once again beginning to drop). Dodging feet, baby strollers, and the occasional bicyclist, she continued on her way, frequently stopping to sniff things that looked interesting and only once relieving herself on someone's shoe. Having never had the freedom to wonder on her own, little Hamlet was having the day of her life – first a new four-legged friend, then a good snack, now a scenic view of New York. What could possibly go wrong?

* * *

"Have you seen a teacup pig around here? Pink and black, about yay big, wearing a small black collar?"

"Sorry, man, I ain't seen any pigs around here."

"Thanks anyway!" Tony called to the retreated back of the most unhelpful person he had ever met. "C'mon, Stark, that pig couldn't have possible made it _that_ far. I was gone for like a minute!"

It had been almost 15 minutes since he had come out of the store to find the empty harness, and Tony Stark was determined not to panic. Natasha didn't come back until tomorrow, after all, and as long as she didn't find out he was home free – or so he thought.

His phone buzzed from inside his pocket, and Stark pulled it out, clicking the green button without looking at the screen first.

 _That_ was his first mistake.

"Tony?"

"Tony?"

"Tony!"

He looked down to find Romanoff looking back at him via Facetime, and looking none to happy about being ignored. "Yea, I'm here. What's up, Nat?"

"I wanted to tell you that there was a change of plan, and that I'll be back tonight instead of tomorrow…what are you looking for?"

"Hm?" He glanced back down at the screen before continuing his sweep of the sidewalk in a desperate search of small life. Having seen a snack cart up the street from the tech shop, he was fairly sure he was going in the right direction.

"What are you looking for?" She asked again, staring at him hard through the camera.

"I'm not looking for anything, everything is completely under control."

Natasha's eyes narrowed in suspicion.

"You're outside and looking lost…" _Act natural!_

Stark, playing the part of the innocent bystander, dropped his sunglasses back over his eyes despite the soon-to-be-setting sun.

"You were in the dog park earlier…" _The videos!_

He stiffened a bit, knowing that Natasha had figured out what he was doing.

"Tony, where is Hamlet?"

 _Busted._

"Right here, see!" He said, a little too loudly, holding up the end of the leash that was looped around his wrist and hiding the empty harness on the other end.

"Tony…"

Ducking into a nearby alleyway, Stark thought fast. "Got to go, about to hit a tunnel!"

"Tony Stark don't you da-"

The rest of her sentence was cut off as he hit the red End button and shoved his phone back in his pocket. Leaning back against the brick wall behind him, Tony closed his eyes and pushed his palms against his face until he saw spots against the black of his eyelids. After taking a deep breath, he opened his eyes and pushed himself off the wall and back out onto the sidewalk.

He had a piglet to find.

* * *

The piglet in question, less than two blocks away, was now very full. Following the pretzel was part of a hotdog, several chips, and most of a cherry popsicle given to her by a very small child who had tried to grab her tail. As she passed in front of another store, she stopped to smell the dozens of animal smells that wafted out. The automatic doors, sensing her presence, opened with a _whoosh_ , startling to small creature. She jumped behind a nearby potted plant with a squeal, then waited. The doors closed swiftly, but soon opened again as tall woman came out with a large dog on the end of a bright-purple leash. Curious, Hamlet waited for the couple to pass before poking her head out and taking a tentative step toward the doors. The slid open again, but the piglet stood her ground. Finding her way into the building clear, she bounded forward and took no notice as the doors slid shut behind her.

As soon as she leapt off the rug that was lying just inside the doorway, the unsuspecting pig felt her small hooves flying out from underneath her. Scrambling to regain her footing, she slid sideways across the slick tile and into a small rack of soft things. Her uncontrolled motion finally stopped, she paused to sniff the fleecy objects that broke her fall. They smelled like her fluffy friend from the park, and Hamlet concluded that theses must be toys for people's pets. This thought was quickly interrupted by the yap of a small dog that was moving toward her, fighting the end of its leash. Its claws skated across the glossy floor, and Hamlet scrambled out of the toy display and skidded to the far wall of the store, where she found herself amongst several large tanks of water, each with a different type of colorful fish swimming around.

She watched, transfixed, as their colors changed and flashed in the underwater light. Moving carefully through the displays, she wandered wove through the tank stands without much thought as to where she was going.

"Are you a little lost, doll?"

She looked up to find a middle-aged woman looking down at her. The woman, wearing a blue apron with the pet store's logo on the front, leaned down and held out her hand. Hamlet took a tentative step forward to sniff her hand, but jumped back when the woman reached for her collar. With a squeal, she spun around and ran (well, tired to run) into the next aisle.

Halfway down the aisle, she found herself next to a small glass window at her own eyelevel. She stopped to investigate and found a small pointed face inches from hers. The rat's whiskers twitched, and they regarded each other for several moments before Hamlet moved on, roaming back into the store's main walkway. She heard a squawking coming from beside her and turned to investigate. Before she could find the bird, however, she heard a loud voice crackle to life above her and echo through the store.

"Attention PetShop costumers. There is currently a small pig somewhere in the store. The teacup piglet is wearing a black collar with a silver identification tag hanging from it. If you see the pig, please tell an associate so that we can safely track her down and get her home. Thank you, and have a nice evening!"

Hamlet, aware that the voice had said something about her, paused out of sight around the edge of a colorful display of leashes. Suddenly, she heard a familiar yapping from behind her.

"Hamlet?"

She turned at the sound of her name and found herself looking at a dark-haired boy holding a pack of tennis balls. More important, however, was the excited Pomeranian at the end of the leash.

As Hamlet and Daisy bounded forward to touch noses, Alex transferred the tennis balls to the hand holding the leash and pulled out his phone with the other. Hitting speed dial 9, the call for 'The Mechanic' went through instantly (his phone seemed to be working better than it had in weeks, he noticed, but at the moment he couldn't stop to ponder why).

"Hey kid, what's up?" Tony answered almost immediately, sounding stressed.

"You didn't, by chance, happen to lose Hamlet, did you, Mr. Stark?"

"It's Tony, Alex, and where are you?"

"The PetShop on 7th. She's wearing her collar, but her harness is gone."

"Keep her there, I'm on my way!" Alex heard the call end and slid his phone back into his jeans pocket, wondering how on Earth he was supposed to get a hold of the piglet without the harness to grab onto.

"Hey there, Ham. How did you get away from Mr. Stark, huh?" The pig ignored him, to enthralled by the return of her friend. Realizing that Daisy was a better distraction than he was, Alex stopped talking and sat quietly on the floor beside the pair, trying not to disturb them. Just over a minute later, he felt his phone buzz, and answered it without taking his eyes off of the piglet.

"Hello?"

"I'm 30 seconds away, do you still have her?"

"Well…technically no, but Daisy is keeping her more or less in one spot."

"Dai-? Oh, the dog." Tony was muttering to himself, power-walking down the street.

"Alright kid, I'm here. Where's the pet store?"

"In the middle of the block, right next to the organic foods store." He shifted to see around the leash display, looking for Stark to pass in front of the windows.

"Organic foods store? All I see is a gym and a smoothie shop."

Alex paused, thinking. "What street are you on?"

"2nd, like you said."

He almost laughed out loud. " _7_ _th_ street, Tony! After 6 but before 8. _7_ , not 2!"

The mechanic mumbled a few choice words under his breath, and the dark-haired boy heard his breathing pick up as he started charging down the streets of New York once more. "On my way!" The line went dead.

Alex shook his head, still trying not to laugh, and tucked his phone back in his pocket. Looking back at Daisy, he froze. Hamlet, slowly losing interest, had wondered several feet away to investigate a rack of dog food.

"Hamlet, come back here," he whispered, trying to avoid drawing attention to himself. Unfortunately, a passing gentleman heard him and noticed the loose piglet.

"Is that the animal they're looking for at the front?" He asked, looking over as Alex carefully got to his feet.

"Yes, it is, and her owner is on the way. Now, just move very slowly so that we don't scare her-"

Too late, the man had already started to bend down and reached for the teacup pig. Hamlet, realizing that this was not her owner, spun around gracelessly and skidded away down the main aisle, headed for the doors to the shop.

"No!" Alex bolted after her with Daisy bounding happily after him, knowing that if she got out the doors it would be next to impossible to find her again. Just as he got close enough to catch her, the automatic doors picked up movement from outside the storefront. They slid open just in time for Tony Stark to take one step and see the tiny pig bolt passed him, get a grip on the cement and take off into the crowd. Alex reached the doors and ran directly into the chest of the metal hero, letting out a small ' _oomp!_ ' as his momentum slammed to a stop.

Tony reached out to stand him upright, then gave him a nod of thanks and darted off after the piglet, knowing that his chances of finding her again in the fading sunlight were slim to none.

Stark felt his phone buzz in his jacket pocket and he pulled it out, relived to find Steve's number on the screen instead of Natasha's (he had now ignored three calls from her, and her silence in the last half hour was making him nervous). He picked it up and put it to his ear as he dodged his way around a small group of people.

"Tony? Where are you? I thought you were going to be home an hour ago."

"There has been a slight…complication."

"Complication?"

"Hamlet on the loose. Just lost her."

"What?! It's getting dark, Tony!"

Stark rolled his eyes, now free of the sunglasses from earlier. "Thank you, Captain Obvious."

"You're welcome Sargent Sarcasm," chimed in a female voice on the other end of the line.

"Hello Wanda," he sighed, realizing that he was on speakerphone with the pair. "Whatever you do, do _not_ tell Natasha about this, alright? I'd really like to live to see tomorrow."

Steve's voice came back on the line. "Just find her soon, okay? Nat called just over half an hour ago to say that her flight had landed."

"Crap." Stark frantically scanned the sidewalk in the fading light. "Stall her, alright?"

"She's picking up food as we speak, but you don't have long." Steve's voice was muffled as he covered the phone to talk to Wanda. "Look, I'll come out and help, alright? Where are you?"

"Hamlet was last seen at the pet store on 7th, and she bolted heading north."

"I'll call if I find anything." The phone went dead and Tony shoved it back into his pocket. Losing a piglet was one thing – losing the piglet of one of the most terrifying assassins on Earth was a whole 'nother.

* * *

Hamlet, having run just over three blocks in two minutes, dropped to a slow trot as she looked around. The sun was truly setting now, and it was getting quite cold to be outside without a coat. The crowds of pedestrians had thinned considerably, and the piglet weaved among them, wishing for the first time that she had simply let the pretzel be.

After another 15 minutes of wandering down the sidewalk, the sun finally dipped below the horizon and the piglet began to shiver. The people on the sidewalk were now few and far between, and those who where left didn't bother to give her a second glace. Finding herself outside of a strange-smelling store ( _a Chinese restaurant_ , Steve would later say), she climbed into a low-potted plant by the front door and curled tightly into a ball. A few people came and went from the store, and it was only several minutes later that someone noticed her as they came out of the shop, take-out bag in hand.

"Hey there, Ham. What are you doing all by yourself out here?"

Hamlet looked up at the familiar voice, and leapt out of the pot and into their arms, burrowing into their jacket as they laughed and pulled out their phone to make a call.

* * *

"Stark? We found her. You'd better get back to the Tower, pronto."

"Thanks, Rogers, be there in 3." Tony, not bothering to hang up the phone, broke into a run, surprised to find himself letting out a sign of relief that Hamlet was safe at last.

* * *

The elevator doors opened into the main floor of the Tower, were Steve had said to meet him. There was a single light on above the fireplace, and the rotating recliner was facing away from him.

"Steve, thank god you found her, Natasha would have killed me if she knew I have lost her."

The chair slowly began to rotate, revealing a very content, sweater-wrapped Hamlet on the arm – and a very poised, frighteningly-calm red-haired woman sitting in the chair.

 _He was_ so _going to kill Steve for this._

"So," she said, folding her hands in front of her as Stark froze, trapped holding the empty leash and harness as glaring evidence in his hand. "You have everything _completely under control_ , do you?"

He gulped.

 _Busted._


End file.
